I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
