Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize