Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Please don't give away my fajitas
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
