We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The chlamydia really affected his face.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
