I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
