I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
