i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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