worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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