If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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