I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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