Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
where are you?
Hypothermia
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
