Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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