My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
