I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
