Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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