every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
