Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We were destined to go to rehab together
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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