remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
