Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
