My nipple is on Facebook.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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