So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
