Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
