Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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