so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
