someone get that fucking seahorse.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
