So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
my poor anus
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
