I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
