cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
