New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
