the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
