So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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