You're so nebulous sometimes
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
