His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
