i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im drinking this country out of the recession.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
