can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
