I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
