I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
