thus making me awesome and them whores
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
