my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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