Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize