So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
