Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
