I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
