I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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