So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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