Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
