I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize