you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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