my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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