My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh god it's open bar.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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