The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
