Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it's like iHOP with fire
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
