This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize