There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
