respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
