"it" just moved
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
