New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
