If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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