I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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