2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
