Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
