I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
