I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
