Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
