We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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