just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
