can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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