Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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