i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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