i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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