Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
