Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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