loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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