so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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