Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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